boost self confidence

conversational skills that make others want to talk to you, and allow you to be confident.

We often pardon those who bore us, but never those whom we bore. - Duc De La Rochefoucauld

First impressions last. We make up our minds about other people very quickly. We form 90% of our opinions about others in the first four minutes, so it's vital you think about how you present yourself to others.

The next few sections are about communicating with others. Talking to other people can be a nightmare when you lack confidence, especially if you're meeting them for the first time. But even though we don't tend to think of it that way, conversation is a skill we can all learn, starting with a few basic techniques, then gradually developing our own style.

A sustained effort to improve your listening, conversational skills and assertiveness will enable you to reach new heights of confidence. Nothing brings confidence more surely than knowing that you can talk to people easily; that you always have something to say and know how to say it.

good listening is one of the secrets of confident communication and popularity.

The Chinese verb to listen is composed of five characters meaning ear, you, eyes, individual attention, heart. The art of listening involves all of our being. - Lynda Field

The art of good communication can be summarised in four points:

1. Be a good listener so you truly understand what others say to you. Good listening earns genuine respect and admiration, and is one of the secrets of popularity.
2. Have something good to say. Boring people make boring conversation.
3. Express yourself well. Use colourful, descriptive language. Make your conversation sound interesting.
4. Appeal to the emotions. There's a wise saying: The head never hears until the heart has listened.

You'd be amazed how much more confident you feel when you're a good listener. You find you can handle business and social situations confidently. Become a good listener and you'll gain a reputation as a good conversationalist without having to say very much at all.

introduction to assertiveness.

Too often our behaviour is dictated by obligation to others; in the process, we forget the primary obligation: to be ourselves. - Arthur Miller

Standing up for yourself – assertiveness – means expressing yourself clearly, staying true to your needs and values, while at the same time respecting the dignity of others.

Assertiveness is not to be confused with arrogance, rudeness and being unrealistic in your expectations of others. Confident, well-adjusted people have no need to brag, or be overbearing.

When you know how to stand up for yourself you deal with situations, including the most difficult, effectively. You are unlikely to be steamrollered into anything against your will.

Remember, you get treated the way you teach others to treat you. Assert yourself and you gain others'respect. Your relationships are more sincere, because everyone understands you perfectly.

effective tools and techniques for standing your ground and getting your point across.

This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. - William Shakespeare

Even if you've never considered yourself to be assertive, mastering a few basic techniques soon starts to reap untold rewards.

1. Decide to become more assertive.
2. Think like an assertive person, and think of yourself as one.
3. Imagine yourself behaving assertively and being treated accordingly.
4. Act assertively. Start by taking small steps. Keep going until the uncomfortable feelings fade.

one of the hardest things to do when you lack confidence.

If we want to feet truly confident, we must break the habit “of trying to please all people, all of the time. - Gael Lindenfield

Assertive people find it easy to say no when they mean no. They don't worry about being seen in a bad light. They know that just because they've been asked doesn't mean they're under any obligation. Passive people, on the other hand, usually find it hard to refuse.

Say you're asked a favour. It's inconvenient. You'd like to say no.

1. Passive behaviour: Saying, 'yes'while thinking, 'What a nuisance. Oh well!'or making a string of half-hearted excuses in a feeble attempt to avoid causing offence.
2. Aggressive behaviour: A blunt response, probably while thinking, 'Why the ... should I?'
3. Assertive behaviour: A warm, friendly smile, while saying, 'No, I'm sorry it's not convenient. I've made other arrangements'.

In the long run saying yes when you don't mean it only makes things worse for yourself. It puts you at greater risk of stress and lowers your confidence and self-respect.

The important thing is not what they think of me; it is what I think of them. - Queen Victoria

how to handle criticism and give and receive compliments.

What you think of me is none of my business. - Terry Cole-Whittaker

Wouldn't it be wonderful to go through life without ever being criticised? Perhaps, but this is not possible. Employers, spouses, children, parents, friends and colleagues will all criticise you from time to time. You probably can't stop them, but you can learn to handle it.

Your attitude to criticism is heavily influenced by your experiences as a child; critical parents tend to raise either critical or defensive children. Only those with very low opinions of themselves are easily hurt or embarrassed by criticism, but if you have confidence in yourself you aren't unduly worried by it. You realise that people who constantly criticise others usually feel bad about themselves, and are projecting their low self-esteem onto others.

The inability to accept a compliment is another sign of low self-esteem. People lacking in confidence often regard compliments with suspicion, wondering why the other person is being so nice and if there's an ulterior motive. Get comfortable with compliments. They make both the giver and receiver feel good and build the self-esteem of all concerned.

and what to say when you don't get it.

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it. - Michelangelo

Many people find it difficult to ask for what they want or to complain about poor service even when they are fully justified. They think it's impolite. They don't like upsetting people, or worry they might be met with hostility. They prefer to 'put up and shut up'. Why? There are two main root causes:

1. Low self-esteem; feeling unworthy of getting what they want.
2. Not knowing how to ask or complain effectively.

Confident people aren't afraid to complain. They're happy to ask for help when they need it. They find out what they're entitled to, and refuse to settle for any less. They know it's better to ask and run the risk of being turned down than to bottle up their grievances and lose out for sure.

stop taking yourself too seriously and have a laugh.

Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. - Alan Watts

People who lack confidence often take themselves very seriously. They take offence easily and quickly get defensive. They rise to the bait when someone pokes fun at them. You can easily spot such people – they're usually on their own!

It's impossible to laugh and feel anxious at the same time, and the less anxious, the more confident you feel. So lighten up. Make a determined effort to see the funny side of life. Seek out people who have a good sense of humour, and have one or two funny stories up your sleeve.

When you laugh and make others laugh, it does wonders for your self-esteem.

Whoever makes you laugh helps you live. - Menander

understanding and managing your emotions; and relating to other people's in an appropriate manner.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things which should be changed, And the wisdom to know the difference. - Reinhold Niebuhr

Emotional intelligence is central for high self-esteem, confidence and assertiveness. It has two aspects, which are equally important:

1. Self-awareness: an understanding of, and ability to manage your emotions.
2. The ability to sense what others feel and respond appropriately. People who have this communicate more effectively, make friends more easily and inspire loyalty and confidence.

Human beings are more inclined to act emotionally than logically. When you relate to others on an emotional level, and realise that they're unlikely to think, feel and react like you – you get on better with everybody. Be sensitive to others'feelings, accept and empathise with them. Then you'll be more confident in all your personal interactions.

helping others does wonders for your own confidence.

When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves. - William Arthur Ward

Every one of us can look back upon people who have made a huge impact on our lives. They could be teachers, relatives, work colleagues or friends. Perhaps they simply set an example, or did something practical just because they cared. They didn't expect anything in return and probably didn't realise the effect they were having. You probably thought 'what a great person'.

Now it's your turn. One of the great secrets of building your own confidence and self-esteem is to become less self.

1. Take an active interest in others.
2. When you focus your attention on others rather than yourself, you make them feel better and raise their self-esteem.
3. And every time you contribute to raising another's self-esteem, you simultaneously raise your own to at least the same degree.

When you make a positive impact on another person's life, you attract the same from others because what we give out, we receive. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.