Boost Self Confidence
31. Beliefs
what they are, why they're important, how to change them and create self-belief.
Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. When I believe I can, I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning. - Mahatma Gandhi
A belief is a collection of thoughts that we accept as true. Most of our beliefs have their origins in childhood conditioning and our cultural background: they were absorbed without any effort on our part. Others were acquired as we matured and learned to interpret the world for ourselves.
Your beliefs affect everything you do:
1. Confident people believe they can be whatever they want to be and accomplish anything they choose. Even if their goals seem far off, they believe that everything is eventually attainable.
2. Believing you cannot do something makes you incapable of doing it. But it is not your actual abilities that determine the outcome, but what you believe about them.
3. Negative beliefs are like the automatic brakes fitted to certain vehicles. Just as you're about to break through old barriers, on come the brakes!
It's vital to let go of beliefs which destroy your confidence, and it's perfectly possible. Fortunately, no belief is permanently engraved on your brain. All beliefs are learned, and all learning can be re-evaluated and updated.
As soon as you adopt a new belief the Prover sets to work to validate the new belief. Suddenly all the incoming evidence supports your new way of thinking, and anything which contradicts it is rejected or ignored.
Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. When I believe I can, I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning. - Mahatma Gandhi
A belief is a collection of thoughts that we accept as true. Most of our beliefs have their origins in childhood conditioning and our cultural background: they were absorbed without any effort on our part. Others were acquired as we matured and learned to interpret the world for ourselves.
Your beliefs affect everything you do:
1. Confident people believe they can be whatever they want to be and accomplish anything they choose. Even if their goals seem far off, they believe that everything is eventually attainable.
2. Believing you cannot do something makes you incapable of doing it. But it is not your actual abilities that determine the outcome, but what you believe about them.
3. Negative beliefs are like the automatic brakes fitted to certain vehicles. Just as you're about to break through old barriers, on come the brakes!
It's vital to let go of beliefs which destroy your confidence, and it's perfectly possible. Fortunately, no belief is permanently engraved on your brain. All beliefs are learned, and all learning can be re-evaluated and updated.
As soon as you adopt a new belief the Prover sets to work to validate the new belief. Suddenly all the incoming evidence supports your new way of thinking, and anything which contradicts it is rejected or ignored.
32. Confident attitudes
seven attitudes of confidence for you to make your own.
Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. - William Shakespeare
Attitudes and beliefs, while closely related, are not exactly the same. A belief is a thought or mental image we accept as true. An attitude is what you put out into the world through your words and actions.
For example, a belief such as 'I'm not good enough'will manifest in your speech and behaviour. That's when it becomes an attitude. In addition, attitudes involve a degree of evaluation, in other words, what you feel about the belief.
A positive attitude shows in everything you do – how you walk, talk, what you say, how you say it, and the way others see you. It builds confidence and success in every area of your life. When you conquer attitudes of doubt and fear you effectively conquer feelings of failure.
The longer I live, the more I realise the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes!
- Charles Swindoll
Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. - William Shakespeare
Attitudes and beliefs, while closely related, are not exactly the same. A belief is a thought or mental image we accept as true. An attitude is what you put out into the world through your words and actions.
For example, a belief such as 'I'm not good enough'will manifest in your speech and behaviour. That's when it becomes an attitude. In addition, attitudes involve a degree of evaluation, in other words, what you feel about the belief.
A positive attitude shows in everything you do – how you walk, talk, what you say, how you say it, and the way others see you. It builds confidence and success in every area of your life. When you conquer attitudes of doubt and fear you effectively conquer feelings of failure.
The longer I live, the more I realise the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes!
- Charles Swindoll
33. Self love
self-worth, the key to happiness and fulfilling relationships.
It's a funny thing about life: if you refuse to accept anything less than the best, you very often get it. - W. Somerset Maugham
Some people think it's a sin to love yourself. They consider those who love themselves to be selfish, conceited and rather unpleasant. But they're mistaken. They confuse self-love with false pride and narcissism which is quite a different matter. Vanity and arrogance are usually a form of bravado engaged in by people who love themselves too little and are trying to cover it up.
If you don't love yourself you'll have no sense of self-worth, and no feeling of acceptance or belonging. Furthermore, your capacity for loving others is directly related to how much love you have for yourself. You can't share anything you don't have. How can you truly love another if you don't feel worthy of giving and receiving love? Impossible.
The belief that you need to be different from how you are in order to be loved causes a great deal of misery. Unless you are happy within, you'll never be truly satisfied with what you do. Loving yourself unconditionally is the key to happiness. But you don't have to be perfect: the most loved person in the world makes mistakes! You don't even have to do your best. You don't have to prove anything. You're all right because you're all right, and lovable exactly as you are.
It's a funny thing about life: if you refuse to accept anything less than the best, you very often get it. - W. Somerset Maugham
Some people think it's a sin to love yourself. They consider those who love themselves to be selfish, conceited and rather unpleasant. But they're mistaken. They confuse self-love with false pride and narcissism which is quite a different matter. Vanity and arrogance are usually a form of bravado engaged in by people who love themselves too little and are trying to cover it up.
If you don't love yourself you'll have no sense of self-worth, and no feeling of acceptance or belonging. Furthermore, your capacity for loving others is directly related to how much love you have for yourself. You can't share anything you don't have. How can you truly love another if you don't feel worthy of giving and receiving love? Impossible.
The belief that you need to be different from how you are in order to be loved causes a great deal of misery. Unless you are happy within, you'll never be truly satisfied with what you do. Loving yourself unconditionally is the key to happiness. But you don't have to be perfect: the most loved person in the world makes mistakes! You don't even have to do your best. You don't have to prove anything. You're all right because you're all right, and lovable exactly as you are.
34. Concentrating on what you do well
identifying your strengths, acquiring new personal qualities.
It is all too obvious that in the great majority of human beings, the greater part of their possibilities, whether physical or spiritual, intellectual or aesthetic, remains unrealised. - Sir Julian Huxley
To enjoy a better life you must focus on your potential, not your limitations, and concentrate on what you do well. You must make the most of your natural aptitudes and abilities.
Of course everyone has weaknesses, and it takes courage to admit to them. But it can be equally harrowing to accept that we have our strengths and acknowledge that we have talents and personal qualities that others don't have.
The world is full of unsuccessful people who have talent but lack confidence and tenacity, who feel that no matter how good they are at something, someone else is bound to be better. Don't be one of them.
It is all too obvious that in the great majority of human beings, the greater part of their possibilities, whether physical or spiritual, intellectual or aesthetic, remains unrealised. - Sir Julian Huxley
To enjoy a better life you must focus on your potential, not your limitations, and concentrate on what you do well. You must make the most of your natural aptitudes and abilities.
Of course everyone has weaknesses, and it takes courage to admit to them. But it can be equally harrowing to accept that we have our strengths and acknowledge that we have talents and personal qualities that others don't have.
The world is full of unsuccessful people who have talent but lack confidence and tenacity, who feel that no matter how good they are at something, someone else is bound to be better. Don't be one of them.
35. Overcoming weaknesses
building on your strengths. The importance of concentrating on what you do well, and cultivating patience and persistence.
Nothing stops the man (sic) who desires to achieve. Every obstacle is simply a course to develop his achievement “muscle. It's a strengthening of his power of accomplishment. - Eric Butterworth
Weaknesses come in three types:
1. Important traits which can be worked on, perhaps even eliminated if you want to and are willing to put in a little time and effort. These include those which originate in conscious attitudes or beliefs, are the result of flawed conditioning, or are basically down to lack of resolve, such as lack of patience or persistence, or laziness.
2. Those which make little difference to your life, or are relatively unimportant. For example, I have never learned to draw but it doesn't bother me because I have other priorities and little interest. It hardly affects my life at all.
3. Those which are impossible to change. These must be accepted or circumvented. For example, a person prone to congenital depression can learn to live with it and still have a successful and relatively happy life.
It's important to know which of your so-called weaknesses fall into each category. Then, like Benjamin Franklin, you can develop an active, systematic programme which will lead to steady improvements.
Nothing great is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you say to me that you desire a fig, I shall answer, 'that requires time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen. - Epictetus
Thousands of people have talent. I might as well congratulate you for having eyes in your head. The one and only thing that counts is, do you have staying power? - Noel Coward
Nothing stops the man (sic) who desires to achieve. Every obstacle is simply a course to develop his achievement “muscle. It's a strengthening of his power of accomplishment. - Eric Butterworth
Weaknesses come in three types:
1. Important traits which can be worked on, perhaps even eliminated if you want to and are willing to put in a little time and effort. These include those which originate in conscious attitudes or beliefs, are the result of flawed conditioning, or are basically down to lack of resolve, such as lack of patience or persistence, or laziness.
2. Those which make little difference to your life, or are relatively unimportant. For example, I have never learned to draw but it doesn't bother me because I have other priorities and little interest. It hardly affects my life at all.
3. Those which are impossible to change. These must be accepted or circumvented. For example, a person prone to congenital depression can learn to live with it and still have a successful and relatively happy life.
It's important to know which of your so-called weaknesses fall into each category. Then, like Benjamin Franklin, you can develop an active, systematic programme which will lead to steady improvements.
Nothing great is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you say to me that you desire a fig, I shall answer, 'that requires time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen. - Epictetus
Thousands of people have talent. I might as well congratulate you for having eyes in your head. The one and only thing that counts is, do you have staying power? - Noel Coward
36. Take a risk
how to get out of your comfort zone.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now. - Goethe
To build confidence you will occasionally have to push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing and put yourself on the line. Welcome every opportunity. Avoiding fresh challenges, difficult people and awkward situations is never gratifying in the long term and just keeps you stuck as you are now.
Of course taking risks invites failure, but that's OK. You can't expect to sail through life without coming a cropper sometimes, it's a natural part of human experience. Babies learning to walk topple over many times. As adults we too will fall, recover our balance and get back on our feet again. Nobody gets everything right all the time.
Go on – take a risk (you know you want to)! If it feels uncomfortable it's only because you're not used to it. Change always feels uncomfortable at first, because your past conditioning tries to hold on to your old ways. Confident people don't always succeed, but they do always enjoy trying and they don't feel any less a person if they fail.
Be willing to confront your fears. Feel the fear, but don't be affected by it. You don't have to do everything perfectly. Just being yourself and having a go is enough.
The greatest success is not in never failing, but in rising every time you fall. - Vince Lombardi
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now. - Goethe
To build confidence you will occasionally have to push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing and put yourself on the line. Welcome every opportunity. Avoiding fresh challenges, difficult people and awkward situations is never gratifying in the long term and just keeps you stuck as you are now.
Of course taking risks invites failure, but that's OK. You can't expect to sail through life without coming a cropper sometimes, it's a natural part of human experience. Babies learning to walk topple over many times. As adults we too will fall, recover our balance and get back on our feet again. Nobody gets everything right all the time.
Go on – take a risk (you know you want to)! If it feels uncomfortable it's only because you're not used to it. Change always feels uncomfortable at first, because your past conditioning tries to hold on to your old ways. Confident people don't always succeed, but they do always enjoy trying and they don't feel any less a person if they fail.
Be willing to confront your fears. Feel the fear, but don't be affected by it. You don't have to do everything perfectly. Just being yourself and having a go is enough.
The greatest success is not in never failing, but in rising every time you fall. - Vince Lombardi
37. Just do it
sure-fire confidence building activities. Go on – have a go!
It is not the mountain that we conquer, but ourselves. - Sir Edmund Hillary
Why do most of us find it hard to put ourselves on the line? Usually because we're frightened of showing ourselves up. Overcoming these fears takes a rewriting of your self-talk and questioning your beliefs. With high self-esteem we don't worry about making fools of ourselves in front of others because we know that this is not a disaster.
So what if you don't succeed first time? The obstacles don't grow any bigger, but you do! With a positive self-image you can fail completely and still feel good about yourself.
1. Because I'm OK I can make mistakes. I can fail and still feel good about myself. 2. I am enthusiastic about life and filled with energy and purpose.
It is not the mountain that we conquer, but ourselves. - Sir Edmund Hillary
Why do most of us find it hard to put ourselves on the line? Usually because we're frightened of showing ourselves up. Overcoming these fears takes a rewriting of your self-talk and questioning your beliefs. With high self-esteem we don't worry about making fools of ourselves in front of others because we know that this is not a disaster.
So what if you don't succeed first time? The obstacles don't grow any bigger, but you do! With a positive self-image you can fail completely and still feel good about yourself.
1. Because I'm OK I can make mistakes. I can fail and still feel good about myself. 2. I am enthusiastic about life and filled with energy and purpose.
38. Confident body language
adopt a confident posture and you feel more confident. You project confidence too.
No one has ever seen a cock crow with its head down. - Alonzo Newton Benn
When you move confidently and carry your body confidently, you not only feel more confident but others assume that you are.
You may be surprised to learn that only 7% of the information you transmit to others is in the language you use. The remainder comes from:
1. 38% How you speak – quality of voice, accent, voice projection, emphasis, expression, pace, volume, pitch etc.
2. 55% Body language – posture, position, eye contact, facial expression, head and body movements, gestures, touch etc.
Whereas people often try to disguise their true feelings in their utterances, they communicate them freely through their non-verbals. When your body language tells a different story from your spoken words, guess which is believed? The answer is, your body language. It imparts eight times as much information.
Pay more attention to how you use your body. Poor movement and posture restricts breathing, tightens the muscles and brings about skeletal disorders.
No one has ever seen a cock crow with its head down. - Alonzo Newton Benn
When you move confidently and carry your body confidently, you not only feel more confident but others assume that you are.
You may be surprised to learn that only 7% of the information you transmit to others is in the language you use. The remainder comes from:
1. 38% How you speak – quality of voice, accent, voice projection, emphasis, expression, pace, volume, pitch etc.
2. 55% Body language – posture, position, eye contact, facial expression, head and body movements, gestures, touch etc.
Whereas people often try to disguise their true feelings in their utterances, they communicate them freely through their non-verbals. When your body language tells a different story from your spoken words, guess which is believed? The answer is, your body language. It imparts eight times as much information.
Pay more attention to how you use your body. Poor movement and posture restricts breathing, tightens the muscles and brings about skeletal disorders.
39. Conditions of worth
how others assess you. and how to deal with rejection.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt
The link between confidence and self-esteem and your relationships is two-way:
1. Your relationships with others, both past and present, help determine your confidence.
2. As your confidence and self-esteem grow, your relationships improve.
People lacking in self-esteem often measure their worth in terms of other people's approval. Children and adults alike are under tremendous pressure to earn approval from others by conforming to attitudes and behaviours which are not necessarily of their choosing. This kind of approval is not freely given for who you are – it is conditional on what you do.
The most common conditions of worth relate to our:
1. Physical appearance – including style of dress.
2. Intelligence – and mode of speech.
3. Accomplishments – sporting, artistic, academic etc.
4. Money and possessions.
5. Family background.
We all want to be liked by others, and are willing to conform to some extent to win that approval. But when we feel we must do what others want so they'll like us, and this becomes the main reason for our actions, we're in grave danger of giving away our personal power and betraying our deepest values.
Your aim, of course, is to evaluate yourself by your own criteria, knowing that you are not what others think of you, but much more. Now you are an adult the only person whose approval you really need is you.
The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt
The link between confidence and self-esteem and your relationships is two-way:
1. Your relationships with others, both past and present, help determine your confidence.
2. As your confidence and self-esteem grow, your relationships improve.
People lacking in self-esteem often measure their worth in terms of other people's approval. Children and adults alike are under tremendous pressure to earn approval from others by conforming to attitudes and behaviours which are not necessarily of their choosing. This kind of approval is not freely given for who you are – it is conditional on what you do.
The most common conditions of worth relate to our:
1. Physical appearance – including style of dress.
2. Intelligence – and mode of speech.
3. Accomplishments – sporting, artistic, academic etc.
4. Money and possessions.
5. Family background.
We all want to be liked by others, and are willing to conform to some extent to win that approval. But when we feel we must do what others want so they'll like us, and this becomes the main reason for our actions, we're in grave danger of giving away our personal power and betraying our deepest values.
Your aim, of course, is to evaluate yourself by your own criteria, knowing that you are not what others think of you, but much more. Now you are an adult the only person whose approval you really need is you.
The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else.
40. Give up approval seeking behaviour
there's only one person whose approval you really need – guess who?
We can secure other people's approval if we do right and try hard, but our own is worth a hundred of it. - Mark Twain
Approval-seeking behaviour implies going along with what you think others expect out of fear that they won't like you. It means being excessively concerned with what others think.
Obviously there is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked and accepted; it's a natural human desire. But it becomes a problem when you allow others'approval to dictate how you feel about yourself.
Approval-seeking behaviour does have short-term benefits; it keeps others happy, gets them off your back. But it could be at the expense of your long-term self-esteem. You cannot find long-term happiness by constantly pandering to others.
There is only one person whose approval you really need, and that's you. Other people's expectations are not your concern. You didn't create them, and you don't own them. If others don't like what you do that's their problem, not yours.
When you stop doing things just because others expect it, the sense of freedom can be exhilarating. No longer do you have to pretend to be something you're not. You always have the choice of how to respond to others'expectations. Use it wisely!
We can secure other people's approval if we do right and try hard, but our own is worth a hundred of it. - Mark Twain
Approval-seeking behaviour implies going along with what you think others expect out of fear that they won't like you. It means being excessively concerned with what others think.
Obviously there is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked and accepted; it's a natural human desire. But it becomes a problem when you allow others'approval to dictate how you feel about yourself.
Approval-seeking behaviour does have short-term benefits; it keeps others happy, gets them off your back. But it could be at the expense of your long-term self-esteem. You cannot find long-term happiness by constantly pandering to others.
There is only one person whose approval you really need, and that's you. Other people's expectations are not your concern. You didn't create them, and you don't own them. If others don't like what you do that's their problem, not yours.
When you stop doing things just because others expect it, the sense of freedom can be exhilarating. No longer do you have to pretend to be something you're not. You always have the choice of how to respond to others'expectations. Use it wisely!
