Conditions of worth

how others assess you. and how to deal with rejection.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt

The link between confidence and self-esteem and your relationships is two-way:

1. Your relationships with others, both past and present, help determine your confidence.
2. As your confidence and self-esteem grow, your relationships improve.

People lacking in self-esteem often measure their worth in terms of other people's approval. Children and adults alike are under tremendous pressure to earn approval from others by conforming to attitudes and behaviours which are not necessarily of their choosing. This kind of approval is not freely given for who you are – it is conditional on what you do.

The most common conditions of worth relate to our:

1. Physical appearance – including style of dress.
2. Intelligence – and mode of speech.
3. Accomplishments – sporting, artistic, academic etc.
4. Money and possessions.
5. Family background.

We all want to be liked by others, and are willing to conform to some extent to win that approval. But when we feel we must do what others want so they'll like us, and this becomes the main reason for our actions, we're in grave danger of giving away our personal power and betraying our deepest values.

Your aim, of course, is to evaluate yourself by your own criteria, knowing that you are not what others think of you, but much more. Now you are an adult the only person whose approval you really need is you.

The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else.