things women say that men misunderstand

If you think this means you have freedom to choose then you are very, very mistaken. A much better translation would be Its up to youto select the right choice which I know but I am not going to tell you because you should know. Making the wrong choice will usually result in an Its okay.

You might not think so, but this is actually a word and it can roughly be translated as I cant believe I have to stand here and put up with your stupidity.

This depends on context. If she is getting dressed then it is most likely somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. If you are watching TV then it is closer to 0 minutes. As in why are you watching TV right now when you should be doing something productive?

This is like fine except significantly worse. In fact, many times it will follow (Are you listening?).

It means thanks. Say youre welcome.

Its a very small distinction but this is actually the opposite of thanks. Under no circumstances should you say youre welcome. Typically that would land you back at (Whatever).

This means she has told you to do something (possibly more than once) and she is now going to do it herself. Any further inquiries on your part will most likely result in loud sigh.

In most cases this means You had better choose my favorite restaurant.

Youre dead.

This is actually not a question. Its a statement akin to Youre doing it wrong.