weird olympic sports

You just know this is filled with arseholes (the Olympics are in London so we must adopt their swear words). Remember going to rec centers or after-school programs or camp and there was always one kid who was unbelievably better than everyone else at ping pong (probably because his parents were divorced so they bought him a ping pong table to buy his love, but instead he just used that table to work out all the guilt and loneliness their divorce caused him

Im not going to say anything bad about weightlifters. I dont have a death wish.

Ah, finally something that seems like an actual sport

Sumo is not an Olympic sport. Karate is not an Olympic sport. Why is judo? Judo is the least interesting of those three! Theres no punching or kicking. Theres just precise throwing. Im sure judo is cool in its own ways, but I guarantee Im bored halfway through the first match. Now, sumo? That Id watch all the way through. Can we swap?

Ok, Olympics, now youre just laughing at poor countries. And since when is sailing a sport? Isnt it more an activity for bored rich people? Jeez, no wonder Mitt Romney was able to run this thing (I know he ran the winter Olympics, just suck it up, Im not going to let fact get in the way of a good joke). I mean, sailing was actually officially called yachting until 1996. Way to just draw a dick on Estonias face, Olympics (out of 43 countries that have won sailing medals, Estonia ranks 42nd with 2 Bronze medals Boom! Youve been Wikipediad).

Another actual sport that I know nothing about. This is the sport you were forced to play in gym class because it was really cool and you were totally going to love it. Only you didnt and everyone broke the rules constantly because no one understood them. Good times. You play on teams and its very similar to playing soccer with your hands. The idea is to throw the ball into the goal. The ball is moved up the court by passing, dribbling, and walking. Players can take up to three steps without dribbling and then can take another three steps after they dribble the ball. A player with the ball who stops moving has three seconds to pass the ball. The number three is apparently rather important.

In this event people shoot guns. This hardly seems fair to people who have to run around a whole lot for their sport. It especially seems unfair to the winter Olympians who are in the skiing and shooting event who have to do all that skiing first (that event is called the biathlon which is far too mundane for a sport that is skiing and then shooting at stuff). There are three different types of guns shot in this event: a rifle, a pistol, and a shotgun. The rifle and pistol are fired at target, while the shotgun round is pretty much skeet shooting. Little orange disks are fired into the air and are shot. Thats pretty much it. Yea

Oh good, shooting, yet somehow less relevant. I know everyones all, Archerys all cool now! Hunger Games! Avengers! Brave! But the thing is, archery will never be cool. Archerys cool to that kid in high school who kinda scared you and had a crossbow for no reason that he used to kill squirrels. Everyone else thinks its kinda lame. Theres a reason Hawkeye didnt have his own movie.Lets bring the archery team to watch the shooting competition so they can wallow in their own obsolescence. Itll be like watching a newspaper reporter trying to understand Twitter. So sad, yet so funny.

If it wasnt enough to have people doing ballet in unison in the water, we now have horse ballet. I dont understand where the athletics come in, except maybe on the horses part. Do they give the horses the medal? I doubt it. If I expressed earlier that any of the categories were somehow elitist, I apologize, weve truly found the ultimate sport of the one percent. Hire a trainer to train your horse to dance. The horse does almost all the work, the trainer does the rest, and you get to sit back and take credit for it all. Oh, and you have to own a horse. Thats why its no surprise that Mitt Romney (Hey, Mitt!) has a horse in the dressage competition this year. A horse named Rafalca. Oh, look, Rafalca has her own Twitter account (Hey, Rafalca! Good luck!).

Back to the horses. Can someone please give a horse a medal. Do the horses need to prove their citizenship in order to compete? Lets just say you heard the words horse ballet and thought, Well, I guess thats kind of crazy, but what else you got? How about a horse obstacle course? Yep, horse obstacle course is an Olympic sport. But thats not all. The obstacles the horses need to steer around or jump over are out-of-their-minds ridiculous. Things like a castle or a re-creation of the planet Saturn.