Boost Self Confidence
11. Who do you imagine yourself to be
self-image and the subconscious.
To come from no voice, no power, and to be able to achieve what I have means that only my own personal vision holds me back. - Oprah Winfrey
Our imagination will stretch to any scenario, but people lacking in confidence usually imagine themselves as failures. They do not realise that they cannot succeed at anything if they cannot imagine themselves doing so.
How you imagine yourself may bear no relation to the truth, but it is this, rather than the reality, which governs your feelings and behaviour. Changing what you imagine about yourself can bring about a profound growth in confidence. When you imagine yourself as a good, capable, confident person, it becomes easier to think and behave like one.
To understand why it is so important we must consider the subconscious mind in more detail. The mind is often compared to an iceberg, with more than 90% floating below the surface. This hidden mass is the subconscious, a vast storehouse of thoughts, memories and ideas.
The subconscious is always listening, watching, soaking up your experiences like a sponge. It then acts as a kind of database to which you constantly refer for guidance and support. Once your subconscious has accepted the idea that you are confident it makes sure your thinking, feelings and behaviour are brought into line; it makes confidence your reality.
You can talk to your subconscious, but it responds even better to mental images and emotions. Use your wonderful imagination to build confidence, by feeling and imagining yourself as confident until it becomes a natural part of you.
When willpower conflicts with the imagination, imagination prevails. Always. - David Lawrence Preston
To come from no voice, no power, and to be able to achieve what I have means that only my own personal vision holds me back. - Oprah Winfrey
Our imagination will stretch to any scenario, but people lacking in confidence usually imagine themselves as failures. They do not realise that they cannot succeed at anything if they cannot imagine themselves doing so.
How you imagine yourself may bear no relation to the truth, but it is this, rather than the reality, which governs your feelings and behaviour. Changing what you imagine about yourself can bring about a profound growth in confidence. When you imagine yourself as a good, capable, confident person, it becomes easier to think and behave like one.
To understand why it is so important we must consider the subconscious mind in more detail. The mind is often compared to an iceberg, with more than 90% floating below the surface. This hidden mass is the subconscious, a vast storehouse of thoughts, memories and ideas.
The subconscious is always listening, watching, soaking up your experiences like a sponge. It then acts as a kind of database to which you constantly refer for guidance and support. Once your subconscious has accepted the idea that you are confident it makes sure your thinking, feelings and behaviour are brought into line; it makes confidence your reality.
You can talk to your subconscious, but it responds even better to mental images and emotions. Use your wonderful imagination to build confidence, by feeling and imagining yourself as confident until it becomes a natural part of you.
When willpower conflicts with the imagination, imagination prevails. Always. - David Lawrence Preston
12. Getting the most from creative imagery
life-transforming techniques which change your self-image permanently.
First I dream my painting. Then I paint my dream. - Vincent Van Gogh
Creative imagery is the process of consciously creating a mental image or impression as a means of influencing the all-important subconscious mind.
Techniques for creative imagery are best used when the body is relaxed and the mind is calm. They are also effective whenever you feel naturally dreamy, such as first thing in the morning, last thing at night and when daydreaming, because the mind is in a natural state of heightened awareness at these times.
Fantasising is good for you – do it often. Fantasise about all the things you want out of life, places to visit, people you would like to meet, acquiring new skills and being the person you would like to be. Let your imagination run wild!
First I dream my painting. Then I paint my dream. - Vincent Van Gogh
Creative imagery is the process of consciously creating a mental image or impression as a means of influencing the all-important subconscious mind.
Techniques for creative imagery are best used when the body is relaxed and the mind is calm. They are also effective whenever you feel naturally dreamy, such as first thing in the morning, last thing at night and when daydreaming, because the mind is in a natural state of heightened awareness at these times.
Fantasising is good for you – do it often. Fantasise about all the things you want out of life, places to visit, people you would like to meet, acquiring new skills and being the person you would like to be. Let your imagination run wild!
13. The As If Principle
acting as if you're confident to become more confident.
Assume a virtue if you have it not. - William Shakespeare
When you speak and act confidently – even if it's all a pretence – you feel more confident. Others assume you're confident and treat you accordingly, which reinforces your behaviour and makes you feel even more confident.
The opposite is also true. If you speak and act timidly, others assume you are timid and treat you as such, which reinforces your timidity.
The 'As If 'Principle simply states that when you act as if you are confident, no matter how uncomfortable you feel inside, you become confident. Your feelings soon adapt to the new behaviour and, if you persevere, confidence blooms.
Be somebody. If you have lost confidence in yourself, make believe you are somebody else, somebody with brains, and act like him. - Sol Hess
Assume a virtue if you have it not. - William Shakespeare
When you speak and act confidently – even if it's all a pretence – you feel more confident. Others assume you're confident and treat you accordingly, which reinforces your behaviour and makes you feel even more confident.
The opposite is also true. If you speak and act timidly, others assume you are timid and treat you as such, which reinforces your timidity.
The 'As If 'Principle simply states that when you act as if you are confident, no matter how uncomfortable you feel inside, you become confident. Your feelings soon adapt to the new behaviour and, if you persevere, confidence blooms.
Be somebody. If you have lost confidence in yourself, make believe you are somebody else, somebody with brains, and act like him. - Sol Hess
14. Eat an elephant
the importance of taking it one step at a time.
Try a thing you haven't tried before three times: once to get over the fear, once to find out how to do it, and a third time to find out if you like it or not. - Virgil Thomson
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do you climb a ladder? One rung at a time. How do you build confidence? One step at a time. Whatever we learn to do, we learn by doing it.
Change makes most of us feel uncomfortable. It arouses anxiety. But when you take small steps, the anxiety is more manageable. That's why it's important to have a go at things which you would previously have found scary on a regular basis. Do you find it hard to talk to people? Strike up a conversation with one new person every day! Do you keep quiet even when you have something to say? Speak up, say your piece! You gain encouragement and feel more confident every time you build on each small success.
Don't let uncomfortable feelings stop you, they come partly from your subconscious programming and partly from what you tell yourself about the situation. Stay calm, change the self-talk, and persevere.
Remember, courage is not the absence of fear, but ignoring fear and proceeding in spite of it.
To grow in confidence
Clarify your intention and set goals.
Train yourself to think more confidently.
Imagine yourself as confident.
Act as if you are confident.
Plus
Develop greater self-awareness.
Try a thing you haven't tried before three times: once to get over the fear, once to find out how to do it, and a third time to find out if you like it or not. - Virgil Thomson
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do you climb a ladder? One rung at a time. How do you build confidence? One step at a time. Whatever we learn to do, we learn by doing it.
Change makes most of us feel uncomfortable. It arouses anxiety. But when you take small steps, the anxiety is more manageable. That's why it's important to have a go at things which you would previously have found scary on a regular basis. Do you find it hard to talk to people? Strike up a conversation with one new person every day! Do you keep quiet even when you have something to say? Speak up, say your piece! You gain encouragement and feel more confident every time you build on each small success.
Don't let uncomfortable feelings stop you, they come partly from your subconscious programming and partly from what you tell yourself about the situation. Stay calm, change the self-talk, and persevere.
Remember, courage is not the absence of fear, but ignoring fear and proceeding in spite of it.
To grow in confidence
Clarify your intention and set goals.
Train yourself to think more confidently.
Imagine yourself as confident.
Act as if you are confident.
Plus
Develop greater self-awareness.
15. Self awareness the past
examining how the past has affected you and what's been holding you back.
Knowing others is intelligence.
Knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength.
Mastering yourself is true power. - Lao Tsu
Everything is a result of what's gone before. Your level of confidence is mainly the result of the way you responded to those who raised you and the environment in which you grew up. But it is not the whole story.
Genetics – nature – accounts for around 25-35% of your character. Your past experiences and your interpretation of them – nurture – the remainder. When you were born you didn't lack confidence – this came later, when you began to relate to other people and the world around you.
Confidence, or lack of it, is learned, mostly in the first few years of childhood. It developed when you were weak and mentally and emotionally vulnerable, then, as you grew up, it became self-reinforcing. So the better you understand what happened and how it affected you, the more effectively you can take charge of your present-day feelings and actions.
You may find that some of the exercises in the next few sections bring painful feelings to the surface, but don't be deterred. Be honest with yourself. You gain nothing by deliberately misleading or deceiving yourself.
One day I finally realised I no longer needed a personal history – so I gave it up. - Carlos Castaneda
Knowing others is intelligence.
Knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength.
Mastering yourself is true power. - Lao Tsu
Everything is a result of what's gone before. Your level of confidence is mainly the result of the way you responded to those who raised you and the environment in which you grew up. But it is not the whole story.
Genetics – nature – accounts for around 25-35% of your character. Your past experiences and your interpretation of them – nurture – the remainder. When you were born you didn't lack confidence – this came later, when you began to relate to other people and the world around you.
Confidence, or lack of it, is learned, mostly in the first few years of childhood. It developed when you were weak and mentally and emotionally vulnerable, then, as you grew up, it became self-reinforcing. So the better you understand what happened and how it affected you, the more effectively you can take charge of your present-day feelings and actions.
You may find that some of the exercises in the next few sections bring painful feelings to the surface, but don't be deterred. Be honest with yourself. You gain nothing by deliberately misleading or deceiving yourself.
One day I finally realised I no longer needed a personal history – so I gave it up. - Carlos Castaneda
16. Self awareness what are you like
Understanding yourself – the more self-aware you are, the more control you have over your life.
Know yourself, know your enemy, A hundred battles, a hundred victories. - Mao Tse-Tung
Confidence and self-esteem do not come in fixed amounts – they vary from place to place, moment to moment according to what you're doing and with whom. For example, some people are extremely confident at work but fail in their relationships; and many brilliant individuals can barely string two words together when away from the security of their offices or laboratories.
How about you?
Take a close look at yourself. Step back and observe. The more self-aware you are, the more control you have over your life. Then, and only then, is lasting change possible.
Know yourself, know your enemy, A hundred battles, a hundred victories. - Mao Tse-Tung
Confidence and self-esteem do not come in fixed amounts – they vary from place to place, moment to moment according to what you're doing and with whom. For example, some people are extremely confident at work but fail in their relationships; and many brilliant individuals can barely string two words together when away from the security of their offices or laboratories.
How about you?
Take a close look at yourself. Step back and observe. The more self-aware you are, the more control you have over your life. Then, and only then, is lasting change possible.
17. Childhood
how your conditioning and your relationship with your parents as a child continue to affect you.
Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde
Your self-image began to take shape even before you left the cradle and was pretty well established by the time you reached the age of 8.
By then, on average, you had already received over 70,000 negative dictates: 'Don't do that', 'No you can't', 'Who do you think you are?''You'll never make anything of yourself,'and so on. Most of these were run of the mill reprimands to which adults attach little importance; but they affect a child deeply and the accumulated effect can be devastating. The truth is, children simply do not have the ability to distinguish between fair and unfair criticism, or make allowances if the adults in their lives have had a hard day.
When you pleased your parents, or other adult authority figures, they rewarded you: they gave you attention and approval. When you displeased them, they showed their disapproval by withdrawing attention or privileges or, in some cases, punishing you physically. The means by which a person moulds the behaviour of another using a combination of reward and punishment is termed conditioning. You experienced plenty of it as a child, much of it negative. Very few young people reach adulthood without having their confidence dented in some way.
Once you understand your conditioning you can unravel the knots, dispense with the ropes that tied you down and leave them behind forever.
Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde
Your self-image began to take shape even before you left the cradle and was pretty well established by the time you reached the age of 8.
By then, on average, you had already received over 70,000 negative dictates: 'Don't do that', 'No you can't', 'Who do you think you are?''You'll never make anything of yourself,'and so on. Most of these were run of the mill reprimands to which adults attach little importance; but they affect a child deeply and the accumulated effect can be devastating. The truth is, children simply do not have the ability to distinguish between fair and unfair criticism, or make allowances if the adults in their lives have had a hard day.
When you pleased your parents, or other adult authority figures, they rewarded you: they gave you attention and approval. When you displeased them, they showed their disapproval by withdrawing attention or privileges or, in some cases, punishing you physically. The means by which a person moulds the behaviour of another using a combination of reward and punishment is termed conditioning. You experienced plenty of it as a child, much of it negative. Very few young people reach adulthood without having their confidence dented in some way.
Once you understand your conditioning you can unravel the knots, dispense with the ropes that tied you down and leave them behind forever.
18. Control dramas
how you learned to get what you wanted from others, and how it still governs your behaviour.
No matter what kind of journey we make of life, where we started out will always be part of us. But only part. - Sir Alex Ferguson
Control dramas come in four types. Most of us have a favoured style, and adopt others from time to time according to circumstances:
1. Intimidator
2. Interrogator
3. Aloof
4. Poor me
Understanding control dramas is extremely helpful. Once you have decided into which group you, your parents/guardians, siblings and anyone else who had a profound impact on your childhood fit most comfortably, you can use these insights to develop greater understanding of your childhood conditioning, and yourself as you are now.
No matter what kind of journey we make of life, where we started out will always be part of us. But only part. - Sir Alex Ferguson
Control dramas come in four types. Most of us have a favoured style, and adopt others from time to time according to circumstances:
1. Intimidator
2. Interrogator
3. Aloof
4. Poor me
Understanding control dramas is extremely helpful. Once you have decided into which group you, your parents/guardians, siblings and anyone else who had a profound impact on your childhood fit most comfortably, you can use these insights to develop greater understanding of your childhood conditioning, and yourself as you are now.
19. Take care of your Inner Child
learning to accept the child you once were as an important part of the adult you.
Whatever our upbringing has been, as adults our self-esteem is in our own hands. - Dr Nathaniel Branden
The child you once were lives on inside you, influencing every thought, every emotion, every move. You're with each other every minute of the day. Many people are in adult bodies but they still react like children, still attached to their parents, never having broken free from the attitudes and beliefs they acquired in their youth.
Your Inner Child is the part of your personality which:
1. Is playful and spontaneous
2. Likes having fun
3. Is imaginative
4. Loves the world of 'let's pretend'
5. Is sensitive
6. Needs to be cared for and understood
7. Likes to please, seeking love and approval in return.
Like a real child, an Inner Child starved of love, warmth and understanding is easily hurt, and may become depressed and withdrawn. The Inner Child can be the source of much adult unhappiness if it is still harbouring anger, pain and guilt from earlier years. If this is true for you, you can never be truly confident and happy unless these feelings are resolved.
Learn to accept your Inner Child as an important and valuable part of you.
Whatever our upbringing has been, as adults our self-esteem is in our own hands. - Dr Nathaniel Branden
The child you once were lives on inside you, influencing every thought, every emotion, every move. You're with each other every minute of the day. Many people are in adult bodies but they still react like children, still attached to their parents, never having broken free from the attitudes and beliefs they acquired in their youth.
Your Inner Child is the part of your personality which:
1. Is playful and spontaneous
2. Likes having fun
3. Is imaginative
4. Loves the world of 'let's pretend'
5. Is sensitive
6. Needs to be cared for and understood
7. Likes to please, seeking love and approval in return.
Like a real child, an Inner Child starved of love, warmth and understanding is easily hurt, and may become depressed and withdrawn. The Inner Child can be the source of much adult unhappiness if it is still harbouring anger, pain and guilt from earlier years. If this is true for you, you can never be truly confident and happy unless these feelings are resolved.
Learn to accept your Inner Child as an important and valuable part of you.
20. Forgive forget and be free
how to forgive those who have hurt you, take charge of your life and move on.
If you haven't forgiven your parents, you haven't left home. - Anon
No matter how you feel about it, as an adult you are totally responsible for the way you respond to everything that happens. Thinking otherwise just keeps you stuck in a victim pattern. Confidence and inner peace will only be yours when you stop blaming and practise forgiveness.
Who is there to forgive? Anyone whom you have ever blamed for how your life has turned out including, of course, your parents or guardians. After all, they had parents too! They were products of their own conditioning. They too may have suffered from low self-esteem or been under stress, and if they hurt you it was probably because they didn't know any better.
Besides, forgiveness doesn't mean condoning what was done, only that you are willing to live with whatever happened. And whether the perpetrators deserve to be forgiven is irrelevant; they may be completely culpable. But you don't do it for them. You do it for yourself. You're only hurting yourself by hanging on to the bitterness and resentment you've been carrying around with you.
Forgiveness is not necessarily easy, but is absolutely essential if you are to grow in maturity, self-esteem and confidence. It's how you set yourself free.
If you haven't forgiven your parents, you haven't left home. - Anon
No matter how you feel about it, as an adult you are totally responsible for the way you respond to everything that happens. Thinking otherwise just keeps you stuck in a victim pattern. Confidence and inner peace will only be yours when you stop blaming and practise forgiveness.
Who is there to forgive? Anyone whom you have ever blamed for how your life has turned out including, of course, your parents or guardians. After all, they had parents too! They were products of their own conditioning. They too may have suffered from low self-esteem or been under stress, and if they hurt you it was probably because they didn't know any better.
Besides, forgiveness doesn't mean condoning what was done, only that you are willing to live with whatever happened. And whether the perpetrators deserve to be forgiven is irrelevant; they may be completely culpable. But you don't do it for them. You do it for yourself. You're only hurting yourself by hanging on to the bitterness and resentment you've been carrying around with you.
Forgiveness is not necessarily easy, but is absolutely essential if you are to grow in maturity, self-esteem and confidence. It's how you set yourself free.
